Nupur Chaturvedi

Self-obsessed on a Saturday

Flipping through old albums,
I can’t seem to find
The face I thought was mine
I saw it every day
Reflected in your eyes
But lately I see a glaze in them
My face is blurred
The mirrors are broken again
So it has been a while
Since I last saw myself
I am trying to remember
But memory is leaving me
Through the tips of my fingers
So I find myself poring over
Old photographs
But not one reminds of me
Who is that girl
That gawky, bespectacled one
With her mouth open
Or that one laughing uncontrollably
Or that one looking around in constant wonderment
She looks familiar, but I don’t know her
Anyway, this is pointless
I feel someone has cut out my identity
From each picture.
If I don’t know who I was
And I don’t know who I am
I could be anyone in the future
Or no one.

Panic attack

One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten
One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten
It’s no use.
Breathe-in-breathe-out, breathe-in-breathe-out
It’s still there, bubbling and frothing.
Calm-down, this-too-shall-pass
All empty self-platitudes.
Nothing reins in this tempest,
No soothing balm, no brow-straightening relief
Can ease the raging angst
From stomping over wind-blown glades
Or from unleashing a flood of bile
That burns your gut as it rises higher.
I feel the thunderous roar closer, I am scared
Will I stand again after this one?
Will I rise again to the same height
Or does it shed an inch off me
With every monstrous campaign?
It has passed, at last
And the doves are white again
Maybe it’s not so bad
Maybe I will conquer it some day.

On shaky ground

Chip by chip, piece by piece an edifice crumbles
On the top floor, you think you are safe,
You think nothing can touch you so far above the ground
Never mind that giddy joy has a paranoid evil twin
Never mind that oxygen thins with every step you rise.

You feel the rumble beneath your feet
You think the earth is moving
You think you are moving the earth
All the time, the cracks climb up like spiders.

Then panic sets in and your legs tremble
Even though you know there is time
To escape from the emergency exit
But you freeze, you don’t take that route.

And then you remember:
The edifice, it has a bold foundation
The edifice, it will rise again
Until then, you must brace for the destruction of status quo.